Badass in Progress…

I have always wanted to be a badass woman. I have searched for a less offensive word to describe what I mean, but the word badass speaks for itself. I am saying the word in regard to my personal hopes and aspirations. I am speaking of the women who do for themselves, in a way that is independent and distinctly tough. I have met several of these women, all who have earned a place on my mantle of incredible, strong, unique and capable women.

Growing up, I had the best role model for a strong woman. I have been fortunate to have always been surrounded by mentally strong women, but l didn’t have a whole lot of experience with women who were also physically strong for their livelihood. My Aunt Edna was the first woman who I could visibly see as an independent and strong woman. I can remember her huge bicep muscles on an otherwise petite frame. She worked alongside men, doing road construction, and I thought she was amazing. I still do. She was kicking butt in an industry that was and still is, dominated by men. She was really good at it. I have always been inspired by her and continue to look up to her. I am lucky that I had her to open my eyes about all of the things a woman can be.

As an adult, I continue to be envious of the women who just get things done. Whether it be through physical work, running a business, farming, running meetings, or whatever we get ourselves into, we women can do amazing things. We can make our own choices and choose our own path, the only way it should be. On my path to be more badass (in the independently tough way), I have had several opportunities and several failures.

One story to accentuate this, is about my awesome ability to hook up to and pull a trailer. My husband is the king of pulling trailers. Since we have been together, we have probably owned (at various levels of working ability), 6-7 campers, 10+ flat bed trailers and a myriad of additional pull behind trailers. My husband is a pro at all things trailer. For my previous job, I had the sole responsibility for pulling a work trailer that was used for community service projects. Under the tutelage of my husband, I had the information to successfully back up to a trailer, hook up to the trailer and drive off. To be honest, although I want to be a badass, I am quick to recognize that my husband is much more efficient at these tasks. I generally use this to my advantage, but on this specific day, he was not available and I was on my own.

After about 30 minutes of incremental backing up, pulling forward, adjusting the wheel, backing up, pulling forward, adjusting the wheel…I had finally, successfully, ended directly under the tongue of the trailer. I turned the crank and lowered the trailer onto the ball, putting all of the weight on my hitch. I was feeling pretty amazing at this point. That’s right, Jeanenne Wagner had accomplished a badass task, independently. I hooked up the trailer lights, secured the chains between the trailer and the truck, and settled myself into my seat. Before pulling out of my driveway, I made sure to text my husband and my sister. They both needed to know how amazing I was. I made sure that I referred to myself as a badass and I headed out.

Everything seemed to be going well. I was pulling the trailer and I was traveling down the road. That was, until I stopped at the stop light. When I stopped, I felt a huge thump on the back of my truck and my truck was pushed forward. Suddenly, I was feeling a little less haughty. I got out of my truck, while the light was still red, and slowly walked to the back. When I arrived, I saw everything. The tongue of the trailer was off of the ball and had slid underneath my rig. It had secured a place that prevented me from easily pulling forward to remove it. It was trapped under my bumper. As I sat staring at the catastrophe, I quickly realized that perhaps I have gone too far with my ambitions. To this day, I am thankful to the two men who pulled over to help me. They were able to lift the back of my truck enough to pull the trailer out from underneath. They were the heroes of the moment. I had merely reinforced numerous stereotypes about women drivers.

This week, I had yet another brush with the badass life. We recently purchased a new, to us, zero turn mower. (I feel it is important to recognize that although I view this mower as mine and mine alone, Jeff is not allowing it, this is his toy.) The mower is a force with its legendary John Deere green and its bright yellow seat. I think I look rather stunning while driving it. If you have ever driven a zero turn mower, you know that it takes a little finesse to learn to mow in an efficient manner. In fact, when I tried mowing, while Jeff was home, I took the “zero turn” a little too literally. I zero turned right into a tree, and brushed the beautiful mower heavily against the bark. Jeff was unimpressed, to say the least. Right now, Jeff is still working in Colorado and leaves for periods of time. It rains a lot in Arkansas, so Jeff was only able to play with is new toy one time before heading to CO. Considering it is Spring, the need to mow is prescient. I decided that I would make sure to keep the lawn (well weeds: we found our our beautiful green lawn is actually an invasive weed that stays green year round) well trimmed. The rain had subsided for a couple of days, the ground was mostly dry and I realized that now was the time for action.

I gingerly drove the mower out of the shed. I only, a little bit, scraped the bag alongside the too small entrance. I am pretty certain it didn’t leave a mark. After filling the mower with gasoline, I started my task. I was on fire. I was listening to my 90’s power music (Cranberries, 4 Non Blondes, Tracy Chapman), you know all of the high powered lawn mowing tunes. I was in my groove, until I tempted fate. I was mowing the ditch in the front, very confident that I would come out a hero. I mowed too close to the sun. Very quickly, I could feel my front tire start to slide. I immediately put it into reverse and attempted to turn around. On the zero turn, backing up is similar to having a trailer on the back end, everything is backward. The next thing you know, I had spent 60 minutes on the mower, complete with a wardrobe change, moving front and back and front and back, effectively getting myself good and stuck. The entire time I was slowly digging myself further and further into a dark place. I was thankful that I lived in the country and nobody could witness my debacle.

It was after this treacherous time that I realized that I might not be able to get Jeff’s mower out of the ditch. The man would not be home for days, someone could steal it and I would never hear the end of it. What to do? I did what I shouldn’t have. I called Jeff to tell him all about it, hoping he would provide me with the guiding light and save me, (mostly his mower), from inevitable destruction. He had nothing. I could hear the skepticism in his voice and I believe I heard the recognition that he knew something like this would happen. I felt that in my bones. He had resigned himself to the fact that I would be unable to get it out on my own. I wasn’t having it.

I have been stuck in the mud, with Jeff, on many occasions. I had actually gleaned some information from these situations. It is true that I rarely participated in the extraction from the mud, but I did watch and I did learn. I decided to get my side-by-side and chain up. I linked on end to the mower and put it in neutral (or what I thought was neutral, I didn’t really know!). I linked the other end on the side-by-side and I pulled it out of the ditch! All on my own. There were times that I was hoping a helpful neighbor would stop by and save me, but it never happened. I did it on my own! I was, in fact, a badass. Please know that had I not put myself into this situation, I wouldn’t have been forced to be so unbelievable. However, I feel pretty unstoppable. Some women are born with a knack to be tough and badass, it is inherent in who they are. Some of us have to work really hard at it and sometimes create chaos to get there. Just like me, it is always in progress.