Time at Large

Time at large is knowing that a task needs to be done, but it really doesn’t matter when. You may be more familiar with the term, time is of the essence, which means the opposite. Time is of the essence means that it is vitally important that we get this project/idea accomplished as soon as possible! The latter concept is more of the American approach and how I have operated in the past. If we have something that needs to be accomplished, it should have been done yesterday. I am happy to say, I presently subscribe to the former. I have all of these goals to accomplish but I am not rushing toward completion, instead I am relishing in the moment.

I am presently living life without my preconceived notions of expectation. In my adult life I have always been driven to do what is necessary to be successful. I don’t believe there is one universal way to measure success. We all have variations of what we believe make us successful. Whether it is measured through family, money, security or even the ability to make it through the day. When I got married and entered into an existing family, my measurement of success quickly went to root values that were influenced by my parents. A job wasn’t “real” unless it had insurance benefits. That was the bottom line. I had many “real” jobs after I graduated from college, however, I also had many waitressing and bartending jobs, which I found to be equally successful. When I became a step-mom, my measurement of success was altered back to the need to have the “real” job and this is what I worked hard to accomplish. I spent 14 years working with families in crisis and families in need. This job provided opportunities for me professionally and also helped me to examine my implicit bias and how we all function together. I am still processing my thoughts and emotions regarding this period in my life and I hope to share in the future. As I mentioned, I am not sure when I will get there, but I will get there.

Today I took a walk, which I do most mornings. I walk 2.5 miles down a country road and I turn around and walk home. It is early in the morning, just after my son boards the bus to school. The school bus stops right at the end of my driveway, which I love. As the bus rambles down the road, I go. The morning is cool, the sun is just breaking through. I am wearing my hair braided in two and stuck under a hat. I have my air-pods in and am listening to the end of my most recent audio book. This is my time. I love the cool air as it chills my skin, especially as I can feel my cheeks getting rosy. It gives me the feeling of childhood, when you are outside trying to get in as much time with your friends as possible, before your parents call you home. These walks give me that same feeling of freedom and happiness.

I met my first friends, in my new community, along this path. Most of them can’t speak my language, but that doesn’t stop me from talking to them. Within the first mile, I am greeted by and followed by several dogs. Although our relationships started out rough, now that they are familiar with me they show me their teeth less, they bark less and they allow me to continue on my way. At these moments, I am usually talking to them and asking them to carry on and go home. The only dog who has startled me is a big white furry beast named Smokey. Smokey is stealth. He can be 100 yards off of the road and sense me walking by. He is fast. Just as I glimpse the white blur of hair in the distance, he appears in front of me with a booming bark and his upper lip curled under, highlighting his intimidating teeth. I once saved Smokey from an oncoming car. Saved might be an exaggeration, but I did make sure that he got across the road safely. In my mind, Smokey is now indebted to me and we are friends. I am not certain that Smokey feels the same. In addition to the loose dogs, I also encounter chickens crossing the road, horses, cows and even buffalo. Everywhere I look it is beautiful.

I am aware of my freedom. I am able to start my day reflecting and spending time ruminating on what the day will be. I have a responsibility to myself to make the best of this time. Time is a commodity. We don’t often say that we have too much time. In fact, most likely we can agree that there is never enough time. When I was working, I was on-call 24 hours a day, every day, for 8 years. I allowed myself to entertain the idea that if there was more time then I would cook more, read more, exercise more…do more. I am in the position now, to do just that. I know that when we work so hard to provide for ourselves and our families, that we don’t always have the time to do what we want to do. In fact, I don’t know that I have ever had the chance to explore what it is that I want to do. I have only done what was expected. I have that chance now. It is a fulfilling place to be and I am grateful everyday that this is my life and that I can make choices without expectation. For all of us who entertain ourselves with ideas of what we would do, if only we have more time, I am following through. If I longed for the greener grass, well here it is, and I am taking advantage. I have no excuses, I have the time. I have time at large. It will happen…eventually.

Below are pictures from my walks. I can’t get a picture of Smokey as I am too busy trying to walk faster and speak kindly to him. I think I would get a lot of laughs if I video those moments of chaos and terror!